Why SasuNaru doesn't Exist
by Wind Alias
Summary: A random one-shot that explains why SasuNaru does not exist. This is not anything against the pairing. Crack fic.


Guy Number One sighed as he sat next to his BNBFL ( Best Ninja Buddy For Life, duh!), who happened to be named Guy Number Two. Iruka had been called to an emergency staff meeting about who the heck was eating all the free bagels, and their substitute obviously cared more about clipping his toenails and reading Parade magazine than making sure the students did whatever assignment they were supposed to be doing. Between the two of them, they'd already gone through Uno, Body shots, and Russian Roulette( and lived). Needless to say they were very, very bored, and there was nothing to do except listen to Naruto and Sasuke fight.

" Christ, they bicker like an old married couple," Guy Number One mumbled.

Guy Number Two snorted and leaned forward. " They probably are a couple, man. Normal guys, we just don't act like that. That ain't," here he racked his brain for a long, classy, sophisticated word, "right."

Guy number One nodded, thoroughly impressed with his friend's fancy vocabulary. " Yeah, but I dunno man. I'm willing to bet a half-eaten chocolate bar and some belly-button lint that they aren't like that for each other."

Guy Number Two thought about this. He was hungry, not to mention bored, and his lint collection really could use some expanding., Still, he was wary; Guy Number One was part of the Mary-Sue bloodline, enabling him to do pretty much everything in a ridiculously romanticized way. In this case that included betting. But, like before, his lint collection really did need some new members. " Oh, what the heck. I'll double it; my blue jolly rancher wrappers."

" Get ready to hand over the wrappers, bub, 'cuz the Mary-Sue bloodline never fails!" Guy Number One grinned and released his doujutsu that looked strangely like the Uchiha tomoe and with that they turned to the two behind them.

" Get out my face, Naruto,"

Said boy, who was perched atop an academy desk, Sasuke's to be specific, merely scowled and stuck his nose up at the raven-haired avenger before him.

" And if I don't?" Naruto glared.

Sasuke glowered right back at him. " You better-" but then he was cut off as Naruto staggered forward and crashed his chapped, misshapen, crusty, salty, not delicious tasting lips into Sasuke's.

A blush crept across Sasuke's cheeks.

_What…What is this feeling?_

_

* * *

_

**Sasuke's Physche**

The wind howled across a barren wasteland, twisting and turning until It found its destination; The Tree Of the Soul. Unlike most other Trees Of the Soul, which usually had bright vibrant green leaves and delicious fruit, Sasuke's was a withered old apple tree that sported three or four small, lumpy, sour crab apples. One apple, shifted by the wind, tilted and broke from the branch and fell into the well underneath the tree's boughs.

" Ow!" a high-pitched voice cried. A pale hand gripped the rim of the pit and, hand over hand, a person who looked ridiculously like Sasuke with pink hair tumbled out. " Free at last!" Love giggled, dusting off his pink kimono as he stood and surveyed the landscape. " wait, where am I? This can't possibly be Sasuke's Soul! The tree is withered, and there are shrubs and thorns everywhere! Where are the flowers, and the sunshine and the twelve dwarves?!" he shrieked in terror.

He turned as footsteps approached. A Sasuke in a black samurai outfit stared at him as he walked forward. Blood dripped up his arms.

" Go. Back." Hate growled. " You're not welcome here."

" I am not going back to that terrible place! And what do you mean, 'not welcome'? I', love! I bring Joy to everyone's souls!" Love cried.

" Joy is welcome here, neither."

Love stared, incredulous. " What? No Joy? That's not possible! That's….that's….that's _madness!"_

Hate grabbed Love by the kimono collar and lifted him off his feet. " Madness? This isn't madness. This. Is. SASUKE!" Hate kicked Love into the well.

Love tumbled down and down and landed on something smelly and soft. He looked down. Happiness, Joy, Trust, Compassion; all were dead, pushed down into the pit just like he was.

" Are you still alive in there?" Hate drawled from the above.

" Yes! Thank God, I'm alive! Someone help me!" Love shouted as he tried to scale the walls. " quick! Send he-blah! What was that?" Another cloud of dirt hit Love in the face. " Hey! Stop that! What're you-?" Love looked up. All around the edges of the well were the other emotions- Greed, Lust, Vengeance, CrueltyGluttony, Pride- all with shovels, all with a look of glee, probably the first positive emotion they had ever felt. They sneered and jeered at Love, and Cruelty threw a remarkably painful dirt clod. " No! No! Noooooooo!"

The blush on Sasuke's cheeks died. Never to return.

* * *

Guy Number Two grinned at Guy Number Two as Sasuke promptly shoved Naruto off his desk. " What was that about that candy bar?"


End file.
